well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
Dude, we took our shirts off and set our chest hair on fire. That's a low point.
You raise a valid concern
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
Apparently love is stronger than SoCo
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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