She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
I am undressing in in n out. They migit ca5l security. Are you provn d6 me?
OH MY GOD. SO PROUD.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
I can't turn off my feet"
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
