So I have to ask... did I meet your lumberjack expectations? I mean, minus the red flannel and all.
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
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