What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
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I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
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If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
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