I'm pants shitting drunk right now
I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
It was like doing yoga with his dick in me
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So this snow storm is NOT helpin my masturbation problem
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
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