after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
Ok if you are accepting my apology, please continue to ignore me. If you are not, please fill out the brief survey that follows, to help me improve my people relations: a) your a bitch please leave me alone b)your crazy pls leave me alone c) I never cared ab u please leave me alone. D) all of the above e) all of the above but I wouldn't mind still fucking u. F) who are you again? Your answer will not b shared and will b used in accord. With the law. TY
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
It's dollar drink night and I have my honors society initiation tomorrow. Somehow I think this will not end well.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
