even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
my Prof for my bio lab has his lab coat collar popped. it's 8 am and im too hungover for this guy
So I've been to the library twice so far. Both times were for the atm, and once I was stoned. Junior year is going great.
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
Randomize
