Running into every girl no one would hook up with here at rick's. Typical.
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
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