The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
never play flip cup with pint glasses
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
I think its awesome that i just got you to cheer for sex
Well sex is awesome. Sex deserves cheers.
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
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