wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
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Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
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I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
You were drunk at 5 You went to the dining hall and cried because your brain and fingers weren't working. Your RA came up to you and suddenly you became sober. I was very proud of you.
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
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