She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
I wanna dance tonight. i just wanna grind my ass in some man's dick.
We watched 'the mighty ducks' last night and took shots every time someone quacked. I woke up this morning wearing a nothing but a hockey jersey laying next to him on the floor. He was wearing a goalie mask. I really wish I knew what happened.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
we went to go get waffles and then i sucked his dick in a parking lot. average tuesday.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
Randomize
