I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
True. She actually gives a fuck. A quality looked down upon if she wants to be one of us
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
