somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
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