Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
Someone stole a lamp last night.
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
