K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
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It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
It's like the sisterhood of the traveling vaginas over here
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I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
just walked passed a black light...apparently he DID cum.
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
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