I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
I'm sure he'll make the rejection quick and completely justified.
Someone came in the potted fern
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
Randomize
