I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
Randomize
