Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?"
do it. it's every man's dream.
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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