you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
Randomize
