I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
And. No one ejaculated on anyones face. This is all wrong
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
High-fiving last weekend's hook up in passing on the way to class has given me quite the lady boner.
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
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