So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
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