I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
oh great. kentucky is ranked #1 in the country for child abuse. go us.
craigslist faux pas number 857, just got head in a disability bus.
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
Randomize
