You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.
There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.
alright see you in the morning.
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Randomize
