I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
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Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
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I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
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