Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
Randomize
