At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
Is it really road head if took place on kayaks in the river?
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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