the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
Randomize
