Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
Randomize
