She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
margarita wednesday is really going to dip into new year's eve thursday
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
Randomize
