Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
I love how my cats smell like pot.
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
My vagina senses are tingling. I know your here.
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
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