i'm trying to reconcile what i did last night with who i am as a person.
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
Randomize
