I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
Topless dodge ball cldnt top that
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Randomize
