she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Idk how much more i could have responded my dick was basically trying to unzip the zipper and hop out
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
Randomize
