Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
FridayRule: If it takes you longer than 5 minutes to find a parking spot, you don't have class today
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
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