Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
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