Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
So in our children's lit class, some jackass little boy had gone thru the where's waldo book and circled waldo. I realize you would have been that kid.
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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