babies were throwing up all over the place
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
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