The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
oh but the power of the cock will take you to places you never been..i flew to hawaii once to sleep witha chick
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
eating pizza to get the taste of dick out my mouth wby
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