Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
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