i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
Randomize
