If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
As soon as I saw the video camera and red light on, I started rolling my eyes when he would put it in me and telling him maybe his dick was too small cause I didn't feel anything...trust me that tape is going nowhere
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
Randomize
