I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
Well I sent him a pic of my vagina and sent back a pic of his puppy....so there's that
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
Randomize
