i just want to meat her and do terribly wonderful things to her vagina...
If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
The cops walked in to class and arrested 2 guys for possession.
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
So much to do, haven't done anything except hook up with sailors and work on my tan.
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
Randomize
