Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
Whatcha textin bout Willis?
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
