my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face.
I'd give my left nut to see you
don't do that. I like the set
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
Like he was cock blocking and it usually takes ten cocks to block this cock
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
