Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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