ive never been so in love with another man before, in a totally none sexual way... no homo
every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
Nada. Shooting off confetti and wanted to see I'd u could see it from ur house.
Wow. Its not even 11am.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
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