I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
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