True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
What I'm saying is Afghanistan is America's sexually contracted disease.
With the way things had been going, I was never more excited for a person to cum
is it pathetic that I think he's cheating and it doesn't bother me because for the first time I'm the girlfriend and not the other girl?
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
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