i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
Randomize
