Currently having a discussion about how bad cheating is with the girl im dating and the girl im fucking. This might be a sign that i need to reassess my life
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
I found my bra I wore on Friday night...he fucked the underwire out of it
hahahahaha
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Randomize
