If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
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